Over the last couple of years, blogging and the blogging community have brought me so much happiness. The friendships I’ve cultivated, the opportunities I’ve been rewarded and the pride that comes with being part of this creative collective is something not to be sniffed at. However, aside from all of these positives there’s been one massive problem; I haven’t actually been blogging.
Actually, I’d like to rephrase that; I haven’t ‘posted’ a blog. I’ve join in chats, left comments on other peoples posts, given endless amount of love to all bloggers big or small and continued to go to events but I just haven’t clicked on that ‘Publish button’ in a long ol’ time.
But it's not like I haven't written a post, quite the contrary. Over the course of the last year I’ve written nearly 200 posts but I’ve only posted a handful. But why? Well if I'm honest, I felt pretty worthless in the blogging community and every time I went to publish a post I was crippled by this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Somehow, I got this point in my blogging life where I felt as if my content was not up to the same standards of my peers and anything I created just ‘wasn’t good enough’.
My own worst enemy
Over this last year I have been so fucking hard on myself and it seems like every time I go to publish a blog I think ‘What’s the point? Someone will have done this better than me’ and I just give up. I’ve always been a bit of a defeatist and if I’m not amazing at something from the very beginning, I just won’t do it. However, I know I can write, I know I can take photos and I know I can film, so what the actual hell is the matter with me?
Like many, I’ve been continually ranking myself against other bloggers and I've felt like I fall short in the talent pool. There have been so many bloggers who started this blogging thing at the same time as me, who are now doing this blogging game full time and I’m just here like 😐. I feel like I should be trying harder but equally I feel like I don't want to spend my entire life on a computer and I end up going round in circles and torturing myself over my failures.
Be your own cheerleader
But whilst sifting through my blog the other day, I began to read some of my older content and realised the stuff that I had posted wasn’t half bad. I found myself laughing at my own jokes (conceited much?) enjoyed the content and the was chuffed with my photography! I started to realise that the stuff I produced wasn’t completely dull or void of talent but in actual fact, something I was proud to have created.
Over the last year I had built this fear in my head that I was talentless and that anything I was going to post would be rubbish or content that people didn't enjoy, but I think that's the problem. I was wayyyy too focused on what other people may think of my content, that I just stopped posting all together, but after reading some of my older stuff, I've come to realise that this blog has given me so much and I've been damned if I was going to give up now.
I think I'm always going to have moments where I question my worth in the blogging community but I'm definitely not going to let it stop me like it has done this time around. Being positive is not a simple thing for me to do and self deprecation is probably my biggest talent, but I think writing this post will help me remember that sometimes, I've just got to get out of my head and stop over thinking things.
What about you?
Do you ever feel like this with blogging or in other walks of life? Or are you naturally your own biggest cheerleader? Let me know what you do to combat your inner over thinking demons!